i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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