why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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