so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
