My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize