I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
COCAINE IS GR8
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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