upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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