I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
