Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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