I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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