Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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