i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
