apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
