did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
