I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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