p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We're using joints as your birthday candles
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
