Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We just shotgunned beers for America
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize