highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
