I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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