apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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