Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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