I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
