dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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