help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
