just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
