I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
