If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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