she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
