saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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