guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
