Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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