If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
