I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
