In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
