dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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