We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
