i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Randomize
