She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
