good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
