Non-Jews are for practice
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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