Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
