her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
