Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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