Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
