Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
