Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
