He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
