so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
