I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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