You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
