i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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