I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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