There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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