dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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