last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
