he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
