I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
